My Trip So Far

I have been in California now for a week and it’s been going alright. Had one argument with my dad on the first day, then got in a spat with him yesterday when I went to visit a friend. First off, since when does a 27 year old need a 7pm curfew??? Anyway, today we celebrated my cousin’s 13th birthday. Everything was going good. I haven’t seen my family, really, all together since 2009 or so. It was great. Then the golden child showed up. Since when does she show up for family gatherings? This is my cousin we’re talking about that never cared to be around this side of the family but somehow the ENTIRE family made it a priority to go to her dances and pretty much ALL of her performances. I was in band and choir for years and I only ever remember grandma and grandpa coming to one. I don’t remember aunts or uncles coming to any and I barely remember my own parents coming to any. So in walks the golden child and everyone’s just ooing and ahing over her like she’s this amazing person. Basically she’s starting work at Modesto High as a Dance Teacher. All of the family is just in this happy mood that she’s becoming a teacher and going to have a career. Then everyone’s wanting to know her engagement information and such.

Suddenly, I just couldn’t deal with her being there and decided I needed to go on a walk or my emotional breakdown would be happening in the livingroom during a birthday party. So dad walked around 2 blocks of houses with me and kinda just let me cry. Everyone just thinks so highly of her because she went to school and she has a career. I can’t speak highly of her because she can’t make any time to see our grandma… OUR grandma… and just kinda shut off that entire side of the family. Plus it seems like everything is all about her, her, her and I just couldn’t take it so I removed her from fb.

Basically, I’ve got it in my head that I’m this big disappointment and reject of the family. No one cared to go to any of my stuff through middle/high school and doesn’t really care about anything I’m doing. No one texts me to see how I’m doing but everyone else can keep in touch in my family. I just feel like everyone looks at me like this fat, disappointment of a person cause I don’t have a career or job, I have no money and I live in Texas. I just basically felt worthless today. Everyone was more excited about her new work and less about me being there. This is why I end up having suicidal thoughts all the time. I wouldn’t actually kill myself but just the thoughts are too hard for me to deal with.

Lastly, my day was turned around simply because my cousin (who’s birthday it was) had a picture of him & me on his bulletin board in his bedroom. I asked him if he put that up there and he said yes. I was honestly, extremely, shocked. It made me feel good that he loved me enough to put up a picture of us on his bulletin board. I ❤ that little dude.

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You Don’t Have To Try…

I feel like my whole life I’ve had to “try” to be someone I’m not. Try to be skinny cause everyone made fun of me for being fat. Try to find a job that everyone deemed a worthy/good job because working somewhere making $9 is unacceptable and not good enough. Try to be more girly because not wearing makeup and not doing your hair makes you less pretty than other girls. Well know what? I’m done trying to make everyone happy! I’m happy taking photos and yeah I may be fat and need to exercise more but not everyone is skinny as a rail. 

I’m tired of trying to please everyone and being miserable all the time. Wondering if people are going to be mad at me if I don’t have the nicest job and make tons of money. Wondering if I’m going to be judged for being almost 28 and not have a career, family, house, financial stability. It really wears down a person over time. The last few months I’ve been really depressed and though it’s crossed my mind, I could/never would try to kill myself. I’ve realized and thanks to friends support, know that no one is perfect and that I need to enjoy doing things that make me happy and ignore the negativity. What I’ve also dealt with over the years, not even months, but years, was confidence. I’ve always looked at myself as the fat girl that no one is going to love and want to be friends with. In reality, I’m a great person and have a ton of amazing, supportive friends. One friend in particular today gave me a boost of confidence just by simply saying, “You have confidence and you look great”. That made my day. It’s the little things that make me the happiest. The simple, “You look beautiful today” is good enough for me. Another thing I love about myself is my passion for photography. I must have gotten that passion from my uncle or something because I love taking photos and have that artistic eye when capturing good shots. Now I may not be the best photographer out there but I’m practicing and striving to better myself. 

From here on out, I will TRY to love myself more. TRY to get my confidence back. TRY to stop thinking negatively about myself. TRY to have more fun with awesome friends and forget the hard times.

Love who you are…no matter the size of your pants.